the Internet has ruined my life.

But dear Lord... what would I ever do without it?

One day, when I have the energy, I'll put this 6 year-old Xanga to bed for good and start a grown-up blog about all the little stories and anecdotes that the Internet has made possible for me. The good and the bad. All of them (and boy there have been many). I'm totally serious--I think it would be really funny.

To me, at least. If no one else.

i'm so tired.

when will it be enough?

I've come to this realization.

up until now i've made it probably my number one priority in life to find myself... possibly make myself... meaningful to someone else. i'm gonna just lay it out like it is right now: i want to mean something. i want to know that my life has meaning. to someone.

it's not the someone part that's messed up exactly. where i went wrong is that i've always tried to find myself meaningful to a man.

yeah. you like that? i'm being completely, brutally fucking honest right now.

since i'm on a roll with keeping it real, here comes another declaration:

I write this as a way of, from this moment on, putting myself to the test. It's ok that I want to make my life meaningful. Better yet, there really is no other acceptable way to live. The challenge for me, though, will be that I look for that meaning in someone and realize that it doesn't have to be a guy. I can be SO fucking meaningful to someone. To a lot of people in fact. How I go about looking for who I'm meant to be meaningful to in my life may determine my next career move... my next friendship... my next conversation with my family. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A MAN.

I have a long way to go, I'm not gonna lie. But now that I've put it out to whoever might be reading this AND myself, there's no turning back.

Whether I have to create it myself or it just seems to flow, I swear it:

I will find my meaning in this world.

relapse mode.

I was able to kick a bad habit for 6 months, and then I go and reason that it's been long enough, and then I do it. And it's the same old shit--it turns me into a part of me I can't STAND.

Shame on me.

I should know better.

Where's my process?!

i am changing.

so i'm basically done with college.

but i still have so much to learn.